I need to talk about my feelings...

And what better time to talk about feelings than Mental Health Awareness Month?! (I didn’t even do that on purpose, ha.) Anyhoo…

The lovely Dylan Mierzwinski made an Instagram post yesterday in which she very vulnerably shared quite a few worries and fears she’s carrying surrounding her creative career, and it inspired me to make my own post because I think it’s really important to talk about feelings so that we can all feel less alone in them. *deep breath* Okay, so…

Lately, I’ve been struggling so much with feeling like I’m not good enough to continue on in my career. That the fact that I’ve been given an opportunity isn’t proof that I’m capable of continuing to succeed at it. And then I feel mad at myself for feeling that way because so many people would love to be in my shoes. And then I get mad for getting mad at myself because it’s okay to feel your feels and have negative emotions. We’re allowed to feel frustration, pain, and doubt. I never judge others for feeling these sorts of feelings, but it’s really hard to allow it in myself because of all the pressure I feel to succeed. I want to be looking at my creative career from a place of abundance and gratitude and not fear and frustration, but some days (or weeks) it feels impossible. 

(Please enjoy some calming illustrations of cacti and succulents, while I spill all of my feelings out. (ʘ‿ʘ✿))

My dear friend did a tarot reading for me the other day, in which we focused on exploring what I may be anxious about currently and what I can do to see myself through that obstacle or mindset. The first sentence of the actual reading was, “So, The Anxiety as represented by The King of Wands, Death, and the Eight of Pentacles is telling me that you fear that your skills and talents, where you stand with them right now, is Not Enough.” 

I have had a lot of readings and they’re usually pretty on point (especially when I’m pulling cards for myself or when they’re done by friends), but still, for this to immediately strike such a chord in me was…a lot. Upon reading that sentence, I immediately felt a sinking feeling in my gut, but not in a horrible way, necessarily, more in like a, “Welp…ya hit that one right on the nose” sort of way. Like, yes I know that this is true, that that IS what I’ve been feeling, and I hate it that you’re right because I don’t want to be feeling that way because I know that I’m just getting in my own way. I feel like that’s gotta be a relatable feeling, right? 

Specifically, I have been feeling anxious about if I can manage to make more pattern collections that are as good as the ones I’ve already made. Especially, now that I have been given this incredible opportunity as a fabric designer for Riley Blake Designs, I’m worried that I’m not actually good enough to continue to make quality work for them. I’ve felt jealous of how talented past me was/is (???), which is…ridiculous when you think about it. I’m literally in a competition with my past self, like wtf? If past me could do it, so can current/future me!!! I have been given this opportunity because I’m talented and I deserve it!!! The self-sabotage is so real, y’all.

My friends and family, tarot, my creative mentors, the universe…all have been telling me the same thing, that I need to change my mindset and slow down. Take note of my accomplishments, appreciate where I am today and cultivate a love and respect for my own unique perspective. But some days it feels next to impossible to do that. Some days I feel so bogged down by my fears and anxiety, and so frustrated with my brain for not working how it’s supposed to, that I just can’t move forward. If I go any slower, I’ll never get anything done, but if I don’t give myself breaks, I’ll burnout even harder than I already am. And then I look at how little art I’ve managed to produce lately, and I’m like, why am I even experiencing burnout? It MAJORLY sucks, but I also know that shaming myself for having those feelings, and for the days (or weeks) spent not producing work, is pointless. I wouldn’t treat a friend or even my younger self this way! It doesn’t motivate me. But I don’t know what the solution is other than just to work through it and hope I feel better tomorrow or next week.

So I'm sorry, but thank you for listening.

Love,

P.S. I already feel better having written this post.